Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Another attempt at a good deed

My wife and I were in a parking lot walking to our car and we saw a very drunk women (for the rest of this story I'll refer to her as "Drunk Chick") loading her kids in a car for what looked like was going to be a very wild ride home.

The Bartender, from the bar she stumbled from, was yelling at Drunk Chick telling her that she was calling the cops.

My wife, of course, wants to get involved and save the day.  "She's a little drunk and we don't want her to get into any trouble and we for sure don't want her to be driving these kids around.  We need to do something."

I was like, "The cop idea sounds to be the best course of action to me."

My wife looked at me as if I told her I wanted to kick puppies instead of helping Drunk Chick.  How insensitive could I be to let these poor little babies' mother go to jail.  What would happen to them if she got arrested?

I said, "It doesn't look like she's up for any Mother of the Year awards any time soon, maybe she's a shitty mom and the kids are better off without her right now."

My wife thought this line of thinking could only come from the Devil himself, "I'll tell the bartender to not call the cops, we'll get her home from here."

"You drive her car and I'll follow you in ours." she said as she convinced the bartender she was Mother Theresa herself.

I didn't like the sound of that at all, but I decided to do whatever the hell my wife asked me to do, because I didn't think whatever was about to happen would be as bad as having my wife remind me for the rest of my life that I was directly responsible for a mother losing her children.  As if I had been holding a gun to that lady's head to drink that whole day.

Helping my wife turned out to be a terrible move on my part!

As I'm driving her car, Drunk Chick is mumbling the directions to her Boyfriend's house.  I was thinking to myself how stoked he was going to be when he sees his Girlfriend pour out of her own car with some strange dude driving it.  I was also thinking how great it would be if he owned a gun.

We get to a REALLY ROUGH looking apartment complex only a couple miles from the parking lot where my wife decided to jump into Drunk Chick's life and Drunk Chick calls her boyfriend from the parking lot to come down and get her and her crying kids to his apartment.

Thirty seconds later a very wiry guy runs out to the car wide eyed and somewhat panicked.  I told him that his Girlfriend's had a bit too much to drink and she was about to drive here, which I was fine with, but today my wife really needs to be a hero we dealt with your slobbering girlfriend.  "Here's the keys to her car is it okay if I leave it parked here?"

He snapped, " you can't leave her car here."

My spider senses were now clicking audibly to get the hell out of this situation and scream at my wife, but I had to ask, "Are you okay...this IS your girlfriend, right?"

He was starting to shake (not sure if it was form nerves or the crack) and said, yeah she's my girlfriend, but my wife and kids are in my apartment right now.

Right then I felt like I had just become Jerry Springer's Man On The Street.  I'm looking for cameras in the bushes.  This can't be real.  How could I be in this crappy crappy situation?

My wife is now eyeballing this dude like he is the biggest scum bag on the earth and she's ready to lay into him when he blurts out, "Let me go upstairs and see what I can do."

He walked to his apartment as slow as I've ever seen a grown man walk, like a man making his way to the Gallows, "Dead man walking."  He was in there forever.  I think he just went up there looked at his wife in the eye...and sat down for dinner.  He never came back out!

After a couple minutes of waiting Drunk Chick realizes that this guy is in his apartment with his family, and starts to show signs of her disapproval.

First by whipping rocks at the side of his apartment.

And second by screaming, "Is that bitch in there?"

I'm trying to calm her down by saying things like, "It's okay, just let it go, this is not worth getting in big trouble for."....because reasoning with a drunk always works.

Now my wife is becoming upset with Drunk Chick.  Just 10 minutes before my wife couldn't bare to see Drunk Chick's kids taken away from her and now she's telling me, "She's out of control, I think someone should call the cops."

Hey just think if we would have let someone else do that a while ago.  We could've been home and Drunk Chick's Boyfriend wouldn't be barricading himself and family in his apartment right now.

I'm walking to my car about ready to call the cops when Drunk Chick runs down my wife and gives her a very weak back hand to the face.  "Are you calling the cops bitch?"

The next thing I know, my wife is pounding the living hell out of Drunk Chick.  They were on the ground and my wife had Drunk Chick's hair in one hand and was punching her face with the other.

My first reaction was to go to the boyfriends apartment and hide with him in there.  "Bitches gone crazy!  Let a brother in."

My second reaction was to just watch the fight and wait for someone to start chanting, "Jerry....Jerry....Jerry!"

But what I did was jump in between both of them.  All three of us are on the ground at this point and I have my back to Drunk Chick and I'm facing my wife trying to push her away so she doesn't kill Drunk Chick.

As soon as I get my wife off of her, Drunk Chick throws a wild hay-maker around my head that misses my wife by a mile, but somehow lands right on my beak.

Yep the big nose took a big shot from Drunk Chick and I didn't know what the hell to do.  I wanted so badly to punch Drunk Chick right back, but I couldn't do that.  It even crossed my mind to let my super hero wife back at her, but all I did was stand there and bleed like an idiot with Hemophilia.

Yes bleed, profusely.  My shirt within 12 seconds was soaked in blood.  If Carrie was a man her name would've been Bryan Kellen.

By this time someone else had called the cops and they were on us.

Since my wife didn't have a scratch on her, and Drunk Chick and I looked like a couple of Deniro Stand-ins from Raging Bull, they thought we're were beating the hell out of each other.  And I, being a man, was about to go to the Big House.

Once the cops showed up everyone in this apartment complex was crowded around the scene.  (Except of course Drunk Chick's Boyfriend and those living there who had outstanding warrants)  So from the looks of this apartment complex about a third of the residents felt safe enough to be that close to police any rate a lot of people were now watching this HUMILIATING MOMENT IN MY LIFE.

Unfortunately the people could hear everything the police were saying to us.

Drunk Chick had totally lost it at this point.  She had to be restrained and thrown into the back of a squad car where she was still kicking and screaming. (With a massive knot over her eye compliments of Mother Theresa.

Her kids, who were about 3 and 5 years old, were talking to one another saying, "I think mommy's going to jail again."  Again?  Thank God we decided to help this Pillar of society.

A police officer quickly asked me, with my blood stained shirt and nose so swollen it now looked like an Eggplant on my face, "What happened?"

I pointed to Drunk Chick, with my jacked up nose that I couldn't breath through at this point making me sound EXACTLY like Forrest Gump, and said, "SHE HIT ME!"

As soon as the hundreds of onlookers heard this, they blew up with laughter.  I wish I could make people laugh that hard in a comedy club.  They were roaring...And it was endless, people were high fiving one another and slapping each other on their prison tatted backs.

The cops were now all laughing as well.  What a great feeling.

I end up with what I think was a broken nose, (I don't really know for sure, I was too embarrassed to go to the doctor) a bloody shirt and unmeasurable humiliation.

Drunk Chick went to jail and lost her kids for months.(to the grandparents thank God)

And my wife?....Well she's now a folk hero around town and anytime we go out we get to relive that glorious day over and over.  Confirming she was a saint to step in to help this poor woman in the first place.

Every time this stupid ass story is told, my wife looks more like a hero and I look more like a big ole puss.

Thank God WE decided to help a sister out!